We have been taught that relationships are 50/50 but they're not. They are 100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.

Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. How I treat you determines how you will treat me. If I am loving and supportive, you will react one way. If I am judgmental, critical or controlling, you will react in quite a different way.

That makes me 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love in our relationship and you are 0% responsible. You are 0% responsible because you are reacting to me.

The other side of the coin is also true. How you treat me determines how I will respond to you. If you are loving and supportive, I will respond one way. If you are judgmental, critical or controlling, I will respond in quite another way. This makes you 100% responsible.

Both of us are totally, 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love in our relationship, but this is not what we have been taught. We have been taught that there is only one responsibility. Either you are responsible or I am responsible, or we cut it down the middle, 50/50.

This is what we’ve been taught, but it’s not the truth. Everyone is responsible. When we believe that there is only one responsibility, we get into serious trouble. Here’s how:

Let’s say that you and I have a problem in our relationship. Since I know that there is only one responsibility it’s easy to find the source of the problem. It’s you.

The moment I blame you, I fall into a trap. I get trapped because when I point at your 100%, I’m telling the truth. You are responsible. And since I have found the source of the problem, I don’t have to look any further.

When I blame you, I may be telling the truth, but when I focus on you, I can’t see my role in the problem. When I can’t see my role in the problem, I can’t see what I need to do.

Blaming you keeps me stuck in the situation. It also gives you all my power.

When I say that you are 100% responsible for the situation, I’m saying that I’m 0% responsible, and If I’m 0% responsible, I have 0% power. By blaming you, I make myself a victim and lose my ability to take effective action.

To get your power back and to handle your situation, stop blaming the other person and find your role in the problem.

If you are in a cycle of conflict, notice that you have been fighting the truth of the way that person is. Notice that you have been judgmental, critical and perhaps controlling or hanging on.

Now notice that the other person got hurt, put up his or her walls of protection, and gave it right back to you. Then you got upset and became more critical of the other person. Then the other person became more critical of you. Without knowing, you created a cycle of conflict.

Once you discover your role in the conflict, you can end it. As long as you blame the other person, you stay stuck.

Seeing your 100% is not a fun thing to see, but it’s the key to getting your power back. It's also the key to ending the cycle of conflict. You may need to stretch to see your 100%, but it will be well worth your effort.

To learn more about the cycle of conflict and how to end it, see my other two sites, DivorceAsFriends.com and RelationshipSeminars.net.

No matter what the problem is, if it’s in your life, you have something to do with it. Once you see your role, you can take effective action.

Sometimes we end up with someone that is abusive or has other serious problems. We still have something to do with the situation. We picked the person and we allowed ourselves to stay in a destructive environment.

When you are unable to see your role in a problem, you make yourself a victim. You destroy your ability to take effective action and you force yourself to repeat the past.

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