Almost everyone has a relationship or an area of life that isn’t working. These problem areas seem to be the result of another person or our circumstances, but they are not. The problem areas of life are not the problem. They are the symptom.
If you have any area of life that isn’t working, there is an underlying condition of resisting or hanging on that is either creating the problem or destroying your ability to resolve it. This condition makes us defensive and creates a state of fear and upset. It destroys our ability to see clearly and forces destructive behavior.
Fortunately, this condition can be found and removed. The moment this happens, you restore your ability to see clearly. You can then take action based on facts instead of emotion. Solutions appear and this area of life starts clearing up. To see how this condition works, let’s look at the nature of reality.
The nature of reality
There is a huge difference between the reality of life and our reality. When we look at life, we think we are observing the truth of the universe, but we are not. We are observing our truth.
In the reality of life, things just are. What happened is what happened. What’s so is what’s so. Period. Then there is our reality. Our reality consists of thoughts, feelings, emotion, and points of view. There is the truth and there are our feelings about it.
The truth and our feelings have nothing to do with each other. They are never connected in reality. They are only connected in our mind. In reality, our circumstances are the way they are and our feelings about it are totally irrelevant.
To see an example of this, find a time when you were upset. Didn’t something happen? Yes. Something happened. That’s the truth. It happened. Now notice how totally irrelevant your feelings were. No matter how upset you were, the event still happened. Your feelings may affect your future actions, but they don’t change the truth. What happened still happened.
The underlying condition
When you are at peace with the truth of the way something is, you have peace of mind. You may not like what you see, but you see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. Look at the areas of your life that work great and notice that these are areas where you can flow with whatever happens. You are very effective.
Now look at the areas of your life that don’t work. These are areas where you can’t flow. Instead of focusing on what on what needs to be done based on the truth, the focus is on fighting the truth. This destroys your ability to find solutions and forces destructive behavior. Here is an example that demonstrates this.
My wife and I have a cat and this cat won’t bark. I can yell at the cat and plead with the cat, but no matter what I do. The cat still won’t bark. If I am at peace with this fact, I will automatically put my focus on what needs to be done. If I want to hear barking, I can go get a dog.
If I am fighting the facts, all my focus will be on the cat. I will be convinced that the cat is the problem, but the cat is not the problem. The cat is just the cat. The problem is my fighting the truth. When I fight the truth, I get upset and destroy my ability to see what needs to be done. I won’t see the possibility of getting a dog and I will create a nightmare in my relationship with the cat.
If you have a relationship or any area of your life that isn’t working, there is a cat that isn’t barking and you are fighting it. Instead of focusing on solutions, the focus is on resisting. Instead of resolving the problem, you make it worse.
So why do we fight the truth? We fight the truth because the truth hurts. It triggers a childhood hurt. Here is how it works:
The childhood hurt
When we were young, we were happy, alive, and free, but we were born into a world that suppresses this state. In the process of growing up, we got hurt and got hurt a lot. As a little child, the only way we could explain these painful losses of love was to blame ourselves.
In the moment of deep hurt, we created the belief that we were worthless, not good enough, unlovable, a failure, or in some other way, not okay. It’s not the truth, but in the eyes of a little child, it became our truth. It’s the only explanation that made since at the time. We then spent the rest of our lives running from this hurt.
We run from the belief that we are this way and we run from all the hurt associated with it. We’ll do almost anything to avoid this hurt and prove it isn’t true. “Worthless is a horrible way to be. No one can ever love me if I’m worthless.”
This automatic avoidance creates a mechanism, or core issue, that forces destructive behavior and creates tremendous suffering. Any circumstance that triggers this hurt is perceived subconsciously as a major threat. To avoid this threat, we fight, resist, hang on, and withdraw. We destroy love and sabotage our lives
Every relationship and every area of life that doesn’t work can be traced directly to this childhood hurt. Finding and healing this hurt is one of the most important things you can ever do. Until you do, you will be forced to repeat the past.
Fortunately, this is a hurt that can be healed. As this happens, you restore your ability to see clearly and become more able to flow with life. Solutions appear and problem areas start clearing up. Your walls of protection come down and you bring forth the love that is the essence of who you are.
It is possible to be happy, alive, and free most of the time. Relationships can heal, problem areas can clear up, and you can create a great life, but this won’t happen by itself. There are concepts to learn, issues to heal, and action to take. Fortunately, the process of transforming your life is relatively easy, but you have to know how. I can walk you through the steps.
If you have a painful relationship or an area of life that isn’t working, give me a call. We can talk about your situation and create a plan of action.