The Mastery of Life Blog

On the surface we resist certain circumstances, but at a deeper level, we don’t resist our circumstances, we resist all the emotion that gets triggered by our circumstances.

To see how this works, let’s start by looking at the illusion of upsets. Find a time when you were upset. Didn’t something happen? Yes, it happened. Now notice how totally irrelevant your feelings were. No matter how upset you were, what happened still happened.

Now notice what would happen to the upset if somehow, you were at peace with what happened. The upset would disappear. It would disappear because upsets are not caused by what happened. Upsets are a state of mind and can only exist if we fight what happened.
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Being right and having love are opposites. In order to be right, you have to make the other person wrong. This destroys love and creates conflict. When you have love, it doesn’t matter who is right, and conflict disappears.

I saw this demonstrated years ago in a former relationship. Whenever we had an argument, the lady I was with would say, “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” This would instantly melt any resistance I had towards her. My upset disappeared and the experience of love returned. It didn’t matter if she was right or wrong, or if she should be forgiven or not. She didn’t care. She just wanted to get the experience of love back in her relationship.
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The biggest killer of relationships is not being at peace with the way someone is.

Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. If I can’t be at peace with the way you are, I will radiate non-acceptance with every breath. No matter what words I use, I am going to communicate, “You are not okay the way you are.” You will then get the message loud and clear. You will feel hurt, put up your walls of protection, and automatically give it back to me.

Then I will get more upset at you and you will get more upset at me. Without knowing, we will create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking, and withdrawing from each other. This is what happens when you can’t be at peace with way someone is. You are guaranteed to destroy love and sabotage your relationship.
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Love by itself is never enough to have a relationship work. The divorce courts are full of people who love each other. The key to having a relationship be great is to make sure the other person feels loved. You do this by making sure the person feels loved, accepted, and appreciated just the way the person is.

Notice how it feels when someone genuinely accepts and appreciates you. Doesn’t this feel great? Of course it does. You feel loved and empowered. You feel better about yourself and your life. You also feel better about the person who accepts and appreciates you. You then give love in return.
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There was a day a while back when I was grumpy and life wasn’t much fun. I was discouraged and negative. Then I went to lunch and saw an old friend. We hugged each other and I experienced a beautiful burst of love. All of a sudden, life was wonderful again. I was happy, alive, and very positive. Life was a joy and opportunity was everywhere.

Nothing changed in the realm of circumstances, but everything changed in me. One moment I was in the darkness and in the next moment, I was in the light.
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